"Dad, did you get a haircut?" "No, I got them all cut!"

"My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!"

"How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut."

"Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up."

"I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."

"What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows."

"Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!"

"Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."

"Dad, can you put my shoes on?" "No, I don't think they'll fit me."

"Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."

"This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in."

"Dad, can you put the cat out?" "I didn't know it was on fire."

"What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y."

"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."

"Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."

"I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless."

"How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!"

"I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"

"Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize."

"I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it."

"I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me."

"I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!"

"I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since."

"You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine."

"What's brown and sticky? A stick."

"Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent."

"What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."

"What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."